Good sex flows from the right side of the brain...
“We may admire power and intellect, but love begins in the right brain, from the time we were babies and throughout our lifespan. Love is body-to-body, heart-to-heart, playful, and full of feeling and laughter. Likewise, loving sex is also body-to-body, heart-to-heart, playful, and full of feeling and laughter. That means sexual communication cannot speak in concepts quoting facts and figures, and delineating needs. Even worse, complaining, threatening, or shaming a partner’s response as inadequate, or demanding a change only makes a partner feel bad and can cast a taint on the sexual connection for a long time. I like to say that the biggest problem in sex is making sex a problem. Sexual language speaks softly body-to-body in right-brain dulcet tones and sweet talk, through lingering eye gazes, juicy kisses, breathing together, drawing in each other’s scent (and pheromones), empathic touch, and appreciative sighs at the warmth and smoothness of skin-to-skin contact. No matter how disappointing sex can be between two people, the way to make it better is with warmth, empathy, and compassion. Kindness and caring are great motivators and can enhance the sexual connection and enrich the quality of love in the relationship as a whole.” - Dr. Stella Resnick
The Love-Lust Dilemma
“In our formative years, most of us learned more about stifling our sex drive than about celebrating our desires, particularly in the presence of family. The paradoxical result, contrary to what society or our family intends, is that once a romance turns into an emotional attachment, our brains and bodies are wired to inhibit sexual excitement in ourselves.
There is now a great deal of neurological, biochemical, and psychological evidence to show that feelings of love and sexual desire often operate antagonistically and drive us in opposite directions. It all starts with our earliest programming.”
-By Stella Resnick from The Heart of Desire: Keys to the Pleasures of Love.
Do you live in the Central Oregon area? Would you like to explore topics like this through sex therapy? Text Hannah today to set up a free consultation.
Pulse Check
I encourage all the couples I work with to regularly take a pulse of their sex life. Here are a few questions to get you started:
1) What's going well?
2) What are you enjoying about yourself as a sexual person?
3) What are you enjoying about your partner as a sexual person?
4) What's missing and what role am I playing in this?
5) What's a step I can take to add something new?
Questions? Suggestions? Let me know!
Sexual Disconnection...
Are you feeling sexually disconnected from your partner? We are taught the myth in our culture that sexual connection and desire should occur spontaneously. We are not taught that the erotic and intimate side of long-term relationship needs to be tended to on a regular basis.
What are you doing to tend to the erotic realm of your relationship? A few ideas...
- Pay attention to your partner in a new way. Can you see them through fresh eyes and appreciate something new about them?
- Change it up. Novelty is inherently erotic. Connect intimately in a new way, a new place, or a new time.
- Let touch linger. Be mindful of the way you are physically interacting with your partner. Have you fell into a pattern of hugging them, kissing them, in a way you would a family member? Touch your partner as if they are your lover...
Questions, comments? I'd love to here them.
Do you take responsibility for your own pleasure?
"You are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm (if desired). You may enlist the help of your partner, of course, but no one else owns your pleasure. That means, likewise, that you are not responsible for your partner’s. You can be a willing participant, but it is not your burden to know what they want or to do it perfectly on your own."
-Jessa Zimmerman from Sex Without Stress
Myth: YOU AND YOUR PARTNER SHOULD WANT TO HAVE THE SAME AMOUNT OF SEX.
"The reality is that one of you is always more interested in sex than the other, at least over time... Which of you wants more sex and which wants less may switch, too, as life goes on. But a discrepancy in how much sex you want is not a problem. It can become one if you don’t deal with it well, however. You can dispose of the idea that something is wrong just because one of you has a higher libido or interest in sex." - Jessa Zimmerman from Sex Without Stress
Sex therapy can be incredibly helpful in working through desire discrepancy in a relationship. Reach out today for a free consultation.
Sexual Avoidance
"Avoiding your sexual problems doesn’t make them go away. You might experience a brief respite once the subject of sex seems to be off the table. But unless you and your partner are both content in a sexless, sex-limited, or sexually problematic relationship, you can’t escape the knowledge that at least one of you is unhappy. Even if you manage to put it out of your mind for a while because your partner isn’t bringing it up, sex is right back at center stage as soon as you have your next heart-to-heart (or fight) about it. Even if there are no outward signs that either of you is thinking about sex, you think about it. A lot. More and more as time goes by. The thoughts start to monopolize your mental energy. Avoidance creates pressure. Pressure comes from the belief that you should be having sex more often than you do. It comes from one person wanting sex while the other doesn’t. It comes from the energy it takes to avoid the subject. Additionally, once your frequency of sex decreases due to avoidance, there is more and more pressure that the encounters you do have should go well. And when sex doesn’t go well again (and again), the whole cycle amplifies. This is when you wonder if things will ever get better."
-From an excellent new book by Jessa Zimmerman: Sex Without Stress: A couple's guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance & pressure
Sexual Avoidance & Disappointment
"Sex can feel disappointing for many different reasons. You may have unrealistic expectations (although you may not realize they’re unrealistic), leaving you sad and afraid when reality isn’t living up to your ideal. You may have the unfounded idea that sex should be spontaneous, that men should last a long time, that women should orgasm through penetrative sex, or that penetration is the only sex that counts. These are a few common errant expectations, and there are many more. Every time you have sex that falls short of your expectations, it can feel like a failure, diminishing your confidence for the next time."
-Jessa Zimmerman from Sex Without Stress
True Intimacy
"This is what we mean by intimacy - the tender and empathic search for each other with its subtle discoveries and revelations. Intimate passion is nourished by the shared pleasure of knowing how to read each other's mood and erotic body temperature, spelling out each other's alphabet of wishes and desires, knowing in detail and moment by moment how to please and be pleased. With these ingredients, a fundamentally new sexuality awakens. Bodies are grateful creatures: Treat them well, touch them well, and sensual fulfillment will probably be the reward."
-Renate Stendhal
Mindful Sex
If you notice you are becoming distracted by thoughts during sex, see if you can focus your attention on pleasurable sensations.
Repeat this over and over again with an attitude of self-kindness.
Get distracted by thoughts -> redirect your attention to pleasure.
Distracted thoughts come up again -> try focusing on pleasure.
Curious to learn more about how mindfulness skills can be applied to your sex life?
Sexual Requests
Interested in trying something new sexually with your partner?
Begin with telling them a few things you appreciate about them and then make a non-threatening suggestion.
I love the way you kiss me and I love when you pursue me sexually. How would you feel about having sex in the morning sometime?
Two Pillars of Love (according to Esther Perel)
"Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."
— Esther Perel
Name three things that are important to you as a sexual person...
To feel more alive?
To connect with your partner?
To live out your fantasies?
To be more in touch with pleasure?
To be dominated?
To express yourself?
To feel freedom?
To get inside your body?
To be loved?
To be held?
......
If you are in a partnership, does your partner know these things? Do you have the freedom to communicate your desires?
Feeling stuck? Schedule a free consultation with Hannah today.
*Inquiry Inspired by sex therapist, Dr. Tammy Nelson, in The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity*
What is sex?
How would you define sex?
If 'Intercourse' is the first thing that comes to mind, see if you can broaden your view.
Better yet, see if you can have sex with no intercourse at all. Where might you begin?
Sexual Communication
When something doesn't feel good during sex, do you have the freedom to let your partner know?
Is it a normal part of your sex life to say, 'A little to the left, a little to the right.' or 'Faster would feel great.'
Good & kind communication is crucial for good sex. Having difficulty communicating to your partner during sex? Reach out for help today.
The Love-Lust Dilemma
"Once a sexual interest becomes a potential or real mate, there is a strong tendency to begin to automatically transfer unresolved issues from your original family to the “new family figure.” When you do, your body begins a programmed response of inhibiting sexual energy toward that person.
This is the underlying factor that turns people off sexually to someone they love or care for. It is an involuntary reflexive shutting down of sexual feelings as the emotional attachment to that person grows."
-Dr. Stella Resnick from Heart of Desire
Does this ring true for your relationship? Schedule a free consultation with Hannah today! There is hope for change.
Some Benefits of Masturbation
"Arousal and orgasm from solitary sex is shown to be effective at reducing stress, alleviating physical and sexual tension, and providing a soothing outlet for people without partners - especially the elderly. Masturbation can induce sleep on a restless night. Self-stimulation and pleasure can strengthen muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas, particularly when those muscles have been compromised through childbirth, illness, or surgery. Developing skill in masturbation has consistently been an effective way for women to overcome an inability to achieve orgasm. Masturbation skill can also help men to learn effective methods for maintaining erection and ejaculatory control."
- Dr. Stella Resnick from The Heart of Desire
Playfulness is a Key Component of a Vibrant Sex Life
How can you add some playfulness to your relationship?