Two Pillars of Love (according to Esther Perel)
"Love rests on two pillars: surrender and autonomy. Our need for togetherness exists alongside our need for separateness."
— Esther Perel
Name three things that are important to you as a sexual person...
To feel more alive?
To connect with your partner?
To live out your fantasies?
To be more in touch with pleasure?
To be dominated?
To express yourself?
To feel freedom?
To get inside your body?
To be loved?
To be held?
......
If you are in a partnership, does your partner know these things? Do you have the freedom to communicate your desires?
Feeling stuck? Schedule a free consultation with Hannah today.
*Inquiry Inspired by sex therapist, Dr. Tammy Nelson, in The New Monogamy: Redefining Your Relationship After Infidelity*
What is sex?
How would you define sex?
If 'Intercourse' is the first thing that comes to mind, see if you can broaden your view.
Better yet, see if you can have sex with no intercourse at all. Where might you begin?
Sexual Communication
When something doesn't feel good during sex, do you have the freedom to let your partner know?
Is it a normal part of your sex life to say, 'A little to the left, a little to the right.' or 'Faster would feel great.'
Good & kind communication is crucial for good sex. Having difficulty communicating to your partner during sex? Reach out for help today.
The Love-Lust Dilemma
"Once a sexual interest becomes a potential or real mate, there is a strong tendency to begin to automatically transfer unresolved issues from your original family to the “new family figure.” When you do, your body begins a programmed response of inhibiting sexual energy toward that person.
This is the underlying factor that turns people off sexually to someone they love or care for. It is an involuntary reflexive shutting down of sexual feelings as the emotional attachment to that person grows."
-Dr. Stella Resnick from Heart of Desire
Does this ring true for your relationship? Schedule a free consultation with Hannah today! There is hope for change.
Some Benefits of Masturbation
"Arousal and orgasm from solitary sex is shown to be effective at reducing stress, alleviating physical and sexual tension, and providing a soothing outlet for people without partners - especially the elderly. Masturbation can induce sleep on a restless night. Self-stimulation and pleasure can strengthen muscle tone in the pelvic and anal areas, particularly when those muscles have been compromised through childbirth, illness, or surgery. Developing skill in masturbation has consistently been an effective way for women to overcome an inability to achieve orgasm. Masturbation skill can also help men to learn effective methods for maintaining erection and ejaculatory control."
- Dr. Stella Resnick from The Heart of Desire
Playfulness is a Key Component of a Vibrant Sex Life
How can you add some playfulness to your relationship?
Sexual Communication
"It is a difficult and complex task for most humans to know what they want and to ask for it in a friendly way, and this is particularly true in the sexual arena."
-Carol Hicks-Lankton
On Pelvic Pelvic Pain During Sex...
" …if anything can make sexual pain worse, it is the isolation of not being able to talk about it—with anyone."
(from Healing Painful Sex by Dr. Deborah Coady & Nancy Fish)
Does your partner know you?
"The more parts of yourself you can bring into a relationship, the less likely you may be to go looking for the lost parts elsewhere."
- Esther Perel
Stella Resnick's ABCs of deep intimacy...
1) Empathic Touch (mutual stress regulation)
2) Eye Contact (mutual attunement)
3) Intimate Kissing (the biochemistry of affection)
A skill to start practicing now to enhance your intimate life...
Begin noticing how pleasure shows up in your every day life...
- Can you find pleasure in the way your coffee smells in the morning?
- Can you enjoy the feeling of sun on your skin?
- How does warm water feel on your body in the shower?
- Can you find pleasure in the way your body moves when you go on a walk?
- Can you find pleasure as you peel and eat an orange?
- Can you enjoy the feeling of breathing?
Something to explore in therapy...
“When we look deeper at the body’s response to love & sexual feelings, we find that things get a bit complicated. Your response has to do with whether or not you learned to separate emotional attachment from sex, how secure or insecure you feel, how you deal with stress in a relationship, how comfortable you are in your own body, how playful you are about anything, how well informed you are about sex, and how skillful you are as a lover.”
- Dr. Stella Resnick (from The Heart of Desire)
Something to explore during coupled sex...
Am I treating my partner as my lover or am I 'performing my marital duty'?
The Ultimate Secret to Great Sex (according to Gina Ogden)
“The care and feeding of sexual desire begins with knowing what we want, when to assert ourselves, and when to surrender and let go.
This is the ultimate secret to great sex. It’s the secret to a great life.”
- Gina Ogden (from The Return of Desire: A Guide to Rediscovering Your Sexual Passion)
Welcome to Central Oregon Sex Counseling
Hope you are inspired by a taste of what inspires me.
