Do you take responsibility for your own pleasure?
"You are responsible for your own pleasure and your own orgasm (if desired). You may enlist the help of your partner, of course, but no one else owns your pleasure. That means, likewise, that you are not responsible for your partner’s. You can be a willing participant, but it is not your burden to know what they want or to do it perfectly on your own."
-Jessa Zimmerman from Sex Without Stress
Sexual Avoidance
"Avoiding your sexual problems doesn’t make them go away. You might experience a brief respite once the subject of sex seems to be off the table. But unless you and your partner are both content in a sexless, sex-limited, or sexually problematic relationship, you can’t escape the knowledge that at least one of you is unhappy. Even if you manage to put it out of your mind for a while because your partner isn’t bringing it up, sex is right back at center stage as soon as you have your next heart-to-heart (or fight) about it. Even if there are no outward signs that either of you is thinking about sex, you think about it. A lot. More and more as time goes by. The thoughts start to monopolize your mental energy. Avoidance creates pressure. Pressure comes from the belief that you should be having sex more often than you do. It comes from one person wanting sex while the other doesn’t. It comes from the energy it takes to avoid the subject. Additionally, once your frequency of sex decreases due to avoidance, there is more and more pressure that the encounters you do have should go well. And when sex doesn’t go well again (and again), the whole cycle amplifies. This is when you wonder if things will ever get better."
-From an excellent new book by Jessa Zimmerman: Sex Without Stress: A couple's guide to overcoming disappointment, avoidance & pressure
Sexual Avoidance & Disappointment
"Sex can feel disappointing for many different reasons. You may have unrealistic expectations (although you may not realize they’re unrealistic), leaving you sad and afraid when reality isn’t living up to your ideal. You may have the unfounded idea that sex should be spontaneous, that men should last a long time, that women should orgasm through penetrative sex, or that penetration is the only sex that counts. These are a few common errant expectations, and there are many more. Every time you have sex that falls short of your expectations, it can feel like a failure, diminishing your confidence for the next time."
-Jessa Zimmerman from Sex Without Stress
Mindful Sex
If you notice you are becoming distracted by thoughts during sex, see if you can focus your attention on pleasurable sensations.
Repeat this over and over again with an attitude of self-kindness.
Get distracted by thoughts -> redirect your attention to pleasure.
Distracted thoughts come up again -> try focusing on pleasure.
Curious to learn more about how mindfulness skills can be applied to your sex life?