A Step-By-Step Guide to Masturbating for the First Time (Plus My Favorite Vibrator Recommendation!)
A Step-By-Step Guide To Masturbating
Masturbation can be a sensitive topic, often surrounded by cultural baggage, stereotypes, and misconceptions. As a sex therapist in Oklahoma City, I frequently help clients navigate these feelings and make the process more comfortable. Here’s a step-by-step guide to exploring masturbation for the first time, with practical advice and one of my favorite vibrator recommendations.
Normalize Masturbation & Sex
It's common for clients to approach masturbation with anxiety due to societal and cultural influences. Many view it through a lens of guilt or awkwardness. My goal as a therapist is to help clients see sex and masturbation as natural, enjoyable activities—much like savoring a great cup of coffee or a scenic walk. By focusing on pleasure and self-exploration, these experiences can become more enjoyable and less fraught with unnecessary baggage.
Why Masturbate?
Understanding the benefits of masturbation may help increase interest and overcome hesitation. It can be helpful to become in touch with why masturbation matters to you. Here are some key reasons to consider:
Discovering personal preferences and desires
Relieving stress and enhancing relaxation
Improving sexual experiences with a partner
Enhancing sleep quality
Boosting mood through endorphin release
Supporting overall sexual health and wellness
Step One: Getting in the Mood
Your body has a built-in system for managing arousal, known as the Dual Control Model of Sexual Response. This system includes a sexual accelerator (things that turn you on) and a sexual brake (things that turn you off). To create an optimal environment for arousal, it’s crucial to identify and address your personal turn-offs:
Common Turn-Offs:
Stress from work or daily life
Fatigue
Fear of interruption or noise
Concerns about performance or hygiene
Emotional disconnection from your partner
Pets in the room
Physical discomfort or menstrual cycle
Common Turn-Ons:
Utilizing fantasies
Feeling connected to your partner
Feeling connected to your body (through activities like yoga, dancing or a walk)
Taking a bath or shower
Feeling relaxed and stress free
Practicing self-care & having alone time
Watching porn
Reading or listening to erotica
Discover Your Unique Recipe: Start by listing your own specific turn-offs/ons and see how they impact your comfort and arousal.
Step Two: Follow What Feels Good
As you begin to touch yourself, the most important thing is to follow what feels good to you. Having an orgasm may take longer than you expect. I recommend exploring yourself for at least 15 minutes each time and pairing it with some type of fantasy or erotica, if that interests you. Stick with any motions that you notice lead to pleasure building in your genitals. Be patient and give yourself the time to learn and enjoy the process. If you find yourself getting distracted or discouraged….release any self-judgement, know that is normal, and try to redirect your attention to what feels good in your body
Step Three: Indirect or Direct Clitoral Stimulation?
Experiment with different types of stimulation to find what you enjoy most. Begin by using the pads of two fingertips to make gentle circles all around your vulva. To explore indirect stimulation, touch around the clitoris without making direct contact. For direct stimulation, gently touch the clitoris itself while continuing to make gentle circles. Alternating between the two can help you discover which method brings the most pleasure. Pay attention to whether you prefer indirect or direct stimulation and focus on what feels best for you. It’s common to begin with indirect stimulation and move towards direct stimulation (or vice versa!)
Step Four: Direction of Stroke
Once you have discovered whether you like indirect or direct stimulation, try moving your clitoris in various ways to determine what feels most pleasurable:
Up and down
Side to side
Diagonal
Circular
Rocking motion
Experiment with each direction to discover your preferences
Step Five: Pressure
Now that you have found the type of stroke you enjoy, it’s time to play with pressure!
Start with very light pressure, barely perceptible.
Gradually increase the pressure until it feels comfortable.
Continue to add pressure until it becomes uncomfortable, then reduce it to find the optimal level.
Find your “Goldilocks” level of pressure - not too much, not too little (I learned this technique from the amazing Sex Therapist, Vanessa Marin):
Step Six: Speed
Continue the stroke and pressure you enjoy and now explore speed!
Begin with very slow movements.
Increase the speed gradually until it feels good.
Continue to speed up until it becomes uncomfortable, then slow down to find the most satisfying pace.
Find your “Goldilocks” level of speed - not too fast, not too slow
Step Seven: Stick with It & Let it Happen
Continue to touch yourself in the way that feels good. As it feels good and natural, remain relaxed and gradually increase the intensity of stimulation until your body is ready to orgasm.
If you're struggling with building pleasure and reaching orgasm, try these techniques:
Tighten and release your muscles (thighs, butt, abs) during stimulation.
Take short breaths (5-10 seconds) while exploring.
Rock your hips gently to add variation.
Use the above techniques with a vibrator
Make thrusting motions with your pelvis into your fingers or vibrator
Try stimulating your nipple for additional arousal
Try lying on your stomach rather than your back
Orgasms can feel many different ways, but some describe it like reaching the top of a rollercoaster—there's an intense build-up, a moment of suspension, and then a thrilling, exhilarating release as you descend.
Helpful Tips
Give yourself ample time and space to explore.
Enjoy the process without pressure or expectation.
Remember, achieving orgasm is a skill that develops with practice and patience.
Consistency is key to learning and enhancing your experience
Bird’s Eye View of the Sexual Response Cycle
To recap: here’s an overview of the general cycle your body will go through when reaching orgasm:
Arousal: Begin with activities that turn you on. This can include fantasizing, watching or reading erotic material, or touching other parts of your body that feel arousing such as your nipples
Build-Up: Focus on stimulating yourself in a way that feels good, gradually increasing pressure, speed, and intensity.
Plateau: As pleasure builds, maintain a steady rhythm and pressure that keeps you aroused without overwhelming you. This is the stage just before orgasm.
Orgasm: When you're ready, increase the intensity of stimulation. You'll experience involuntary muscle contractions and a peak of pleasure. Relax and let it happen naturally.
Resolution: After orgasm, take time to relax and enjoy the afterglow. Your body will gradually return to its normal state.
Additional Resources
Achieving orgasm can be a journey, and understanding what works for your body is crucial. Here are some further resources:
Emily Nagoski's "Come As You Are": Focus on what feels pleasurable and let go of any performance anxiety. Everyone's path to orgasm is unique.
Betty Dodson's Work: Practice self-touch regularly and experiment with different techniques and pressures to learn what feels best.
Masturbation Research by Dr. Lori Brotto: Incorporate mindfulness into your practice. Being fully present and aware of your sensations can enhance your experience and increase your chances of reaching orgasm.
Touch Therapy - A Card Game for Couples: Designed by yours truly! This game uses sex therapy techniques to help you connect with a partner
Touch Therapy (Sex Therapy In A Box!)
$29.99
Touch Therapy is a guided intimacy card game created by a sex therapist designed to help couples deepen their emotional and sexual connection. With 30 carefully crafted activities, the game blends meaningful conversations with hands-on exercises to encourage play, vulnerability, and pleasure. Whether exploring new ways to connect or strengthening existing bonds, Touch Therapy offers a supportive and engaging way to prioritize intimacy together. While the game can be enjoyed without toys, it is recommended that each partner have a toy of their choice for the Toy Play category.
